i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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