he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
A bitchslap is in order.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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