I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
