I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
