My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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