you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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