Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
