if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
