cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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