what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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