apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You are a genius and a whore.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
