you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
