Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
