Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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