I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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