My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
