I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is it because I queefed?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
