i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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