you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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