you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
