WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
