your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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