there's paper in my vomit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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