Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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