One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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