She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
