why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
