I think I won the penis lottery.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
