Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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