Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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