talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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