Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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