i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
