Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
