Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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