i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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