Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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