I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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