i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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