i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
