I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Semen is not good for contacts.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
