I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sorry my hands just texted you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
