i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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