WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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