The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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