I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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