Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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