Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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