Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
