I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
