i love accidental penises.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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