He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
