you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
