I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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