I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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