apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
